8/18/20 - i was right; they don't care
i've never really been able to make friends. online especially, but mostly everywhere. it's as though i'm tainted in some invisible way. like my pheramones are fucked up or something. i'm 16. i haven't had my first kiss, even though i've dated 3 people. sometimes someone will show interest in me, but they'll just stop. make excuses. maybe i'm a little too much for everyone. thing is, i don't really even know if i wanna fall in love or whatever. like sure, i do. everyone wants to be loved. thing is, everything feels like a reflex. all my plans, dreams for the future. just ways to ward off a storm. i'm having trouble keeping that storm at bay. i'm scared i'm losing control. nobody notices, though. my stepmom's too busy making all her baby voices at my dad. my dad's too bsy thinking he's doing the right thing in raising me by pestering me about my homework. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA. fucking hell, dude. everything's falling to pieces and... hw??
i've been thinking a lot. there's this guy that just graduated. he's a huge fucking asshole. my friend's terrified of dating and has awful self-esteem because of him, and he's a HUGE pedo. he hits on the underclassmen constantly and he's always cheating on his gf. i don't really feel any anger towards him. like, what he does his awful, but i'm not actively mad at him. which makes what i'm about to say fucking scary. i'd kill him. well, maybe not kill. scare him. break into his house and shove a gun in his face until he apologizes. serious. only reason i'm not gonna is because i'd mess up. but it's scary to me; i want to be a good person. i'm not God. only God can judge or avenge. but what has god done for anyone? i'm not going to, though. i just had to get it off my chest. the fact i might not be a good person scares me. that fact that it scares me enrages me.
anyway, all that stuff is worrying me. i'm afraid i'm going to break and hurt someone. so i'm just gonna take it out on myself. eat less, cut, idk. the stuff i usually do, but more seriously.
i wonder what mom would think. i think she'd be embarrased to have me as a daughter. i miss her, though. i don't get it. God had to kill her, and now i have to go around doing His holy work? being kind? fixing shit? i'm going to, of course. if you can't save yourself, save the world! right? and i want to, believe me. i want to be kind. but it's a dirty fucking trick.
i'm gonna update this later; i have more i want to say. but i'm tired right now. i keep doing things i know will make me feel worse; why?
8/17/2020 - tired and broken
that's it. i feel alienated and anxious and confused and like im not really alive. im just so, so tired. i feel like i'm changing, too. this is going to sound stupid but i suppose that's the point off all of this, right? to let out my anger. make it easier to hide everything in real life.
anyway, i watched hannibal a while back. (the show) it was good. it's weird, though. (i'm just stalling; i know what i'm going to say but i'm scared. as usual) i had to take a break after the first two episodes; too much gore. but i got used to it. now i almost seek it out. not the real stuff, of course. just fiction. but it, at least to me, represents a darker turn my thoughts have taken lately. i keep seeing the "i love jesus! i love jesus! shut the fuck up! what would jesus do? what would i do?" quote on here. there's... a feeling that accompanies it. i want to be more bothered by it. that's not my idea of god at all. i want to help people. i want to save people even if i'll never save myself. you know that keith haring quote? the "touching people's lives in a positive way is the closest i can get to an idea of religion"? i want to be kind. i want to be kind. please, let me be kind. but there's a part of me still that wants to be beautiful: beautiful and tortured. that wants to play god.
8/16/2020 - immortality and other things
the line between life and death seems thin, sometimes. that's not to say it doesn't exist. believe me. i know all too well it does. but i can't help but think about that quote. about how you only ever really die once you're completely forgotten. i'd like to be immortal in that sense, at least. i think. i'd like to go down in history.
but lately the line between everything is blurring. especially reality and my mind. i find myself less and less inclined to engage with The Outside. but im not being aloof. i imagine myself with yellowed teeth and breath that reeks of putrefaction. the person in the mirror isn't me. so i don't know if im really just imagining